The elusive squirrel problem

A recent discovery leads to major ponderment

 

By Jonathan Meyer and Jeremiah Williams

 

During a recent interview on Monday morning, it came to our attention that there is a deep, hidden problem which has been kept under the radar for many years. Reporter Jonathan Meyer was interviewing a police officer who received a late night call to investigate commotion at the Hanson residence. At 11:00 pm on Sunday night the Lansing Police Department received a call from a neighbor who was reasonably sure that there was an abuse situation happening at the Hanson residence next door. Deputy Dugg went to handle the situation and arrived on the Hanson property at 11:15 pm that night only to find that what was happening in the home was very unexpected and was far worse than he could have possibly imagined. When we asked about the situation upon our arrival, Deputy Dugg replied, “Well, I saw chairs and furniture overturned, broken windows and torn carpet. Also, there was a hostage by the name of Carl Hanson being held in the upstairs bathroom.” He continued, “The neighbors that called and had suggested it was a domestic dispute. They recalled hearing the crashing of furniture and a man inside screaming, ‘Die! Die! I’m going to kill you!’ I entered the home, expecting an armed assailant, instead I heard a man calling out for help in desperation from the upstairs bathroom. When I walked up the stairs, I found a rabid squirrel standing in front of the bathroom door armed with a moldy, chili-stained high school cafeteria spork and little to no hair left on its body. I was too terrified to confront it, so I fled the home immediately.” Deputy Dugg and the other officers are currently waiting outside and creating a perimeter around the home. Deputy Dugg has called the Sheriff and is awaiting further orders. The other officers are praying. Further information about squirrel problem will be released in tomorrow’s paper.