The elusive squirrel problem

More evidence has surfaced concerning this newly discovered dilemma


By Jonathan Meyer and Jeremiah Williams


Many of you may recall the Pixar movie UP and the adorable talking dog named Dugg. Many of you may not have realized that there was an unnatural phenomenon apparent to only a few. Multiple times various dogs paused mid-sentence to yell “SQUIRREL!!” Yet… no squirrel was ever seen. Why is this? With respectful remembrance and gratitude to a hiker traveling across South America, we finally have the answer.


During his travels, Charles Muntz kept a video journal. Among the amazing landscape shots and animals, this video journal provided the answer to this pressing squirrly question. It was a dark and stormy night, and Charles fell asleep while recording.  Authorities discovered the body of Muntz frozen in a state of utter terror mimicking a squirrel, his face covered in bite marks. The only evidence left at the scene was a damaged video camera and a dirty spork. The authorities were very confused. The footage on the video camera revealed the cause of his death. It was seen only once and very blurry, but it is clear what it was. A deadly rabid squirrel had dashed in and bitten the sleeping Charles in the face. Charles did his best to fight off his attacker. They fought for the whole two hours of footage that was recorded. Charles tried to fight the vicious demon rodent with hand and foot. Unfortunately, the squirrel had skill with a spork. Charles was no match for this feeble furry fiend. In the end, Charles was killed and became another victim to the rabid squirrel epidemic. The conclusion to this dilemma will be found in tomorrow’s paper. Brace yourselves.