Spider-Man Brutally Assaulted By Homeschoolers

Friendly neighborhood hero mercilessly beaten in dorms by a gang of minors at Christian camp Wednesday night

By Josh Schick

Spider-Man was seen and accosted around 10:50 p.m. on Wednesday night. Witnesses say Spider-Man was saved by ADOP who commanded all parties involved in the beating of the super hero to stop. The witnesses claimed that the accosters might have risked “getting the crap beat out of them” by the fearsome ADOP. The vigilante’s identity has been claimed by many students to be neighborhood boy EJ Evans but this has not been confirmed. The costumed hero was spotted swinging through the men’s dorm Wednesday night at around 10:45p.m., when students started to chase the figure around the first and second floors of the dorm buildings. Soon the hero rounded a corner and ran into Seth Martin. Spider-Man then fell down on the floor, where students began piling on top of him and did not let him escape. ADOP intervened by commanding the students to release Spider-Man, saying,” Don’t unmask him, he is risking his life to protect us!” When he was released, Spider-Man swung down the halls and retreated to his second floor lair. Spider-Man then explained his side of the story to the media and said: “I was swinging around the dorm building hallways when I heard loud talking from a dorm room and went to investigate and knocked on the door. A student opened the door and started screaming.” The Spider-Man continued and said “I then swung down the hallway and turned the corner and ran into one of the students. I then was knocked to the floor and the pursuing students chased me down some hallways, down the stairs, and was caught by one of the students. I was held down and the crowd was taking pictures and wanting my mask removed, but I escaped.”